mypleasuregirl
mypleasuregirl:

Training of Submissive 
 SPEAKING.
When and how does a submissive speak during formal training and in formal situations?In training, a submissive is not permitted to speak unless given permission to do so by their trainer. There is NO chatter, giggling, questioning or small talk. Speaking is a privilege and you’ll learn that very quickly. If asked a question, you will make a clear reply and keep a soft tone in the voice at all times. The tone of voice is very important and is always stressed. If the charge is asked a question and the answer is “yes,” then it should be expressed as “Yes, Sir or Ma’am.” If the answer is “no,” then an explanation must be given. “No, Sir or Ma’am” is not acceptable when asked to do something. An explanation of why you are not able to do as requested is expected. An example would be “No, Sir. I cannot do that because , Sir.”When asking permission for something the sentence must begin with “Sir” or “Ma’am” and end with it as well. Example would be “Sir, may I be excused to attend personal needs, Sir?” Any failure to express this properly usually ends in the request being ignored and the same request cannot be repeated. You’ll only make that mistake once when asking to go to the bathroom.Only when the trainer “wants” you to speak should you verbalize. If you feel you need to express a concern, explanation, or ask questions then you must ask permission to speak freely. “Sir, I have a question, Sir. May I speak freely, Sir?” A gesture or facial expression should have been given to you in order to open this path of communication. In my training it was a puzzled look and a slight tilt of my head. This made my trainer aware that I needed to communicate something or was unsure of what to do next. A good trainer/dominant will provide and recognize such signals from their charge and give permission for them to speak. They will also provide a time for open discussion where the submissive is given an opportunity to express freely any concerns they might have. For me, this period came at the end of the day when we would discuss any problems or successes.

mypleasuregirl:

Training of Submissive 

 SPEAKING.

When and how does a submissive speak during formal training and in formal situations?In training, a submissive is not permitted to speak unless given permission to do so by their trainer. There is NO chatter, giggling, questioning or small talk. Speaking is a privilege and you’ll learn that very quickly. If asked a question, you will make a clear reply and keep a soft tone in the voice at all times. The tone of voice is very important and is always stressed. If the charge is asked a question and the answer is “yes,” then it should be expressed as “Yes, Sir or Ma’am.” If the answer is “no,” then an explanation must be given. “No, Sir or Ma’am” is not acceptable when asked to do something. An explanation of why you are not able to do as requested is expected. An example would be “No, Sir. I cannot do that because , Sir.”When asking permission for something the sentence must begin with “Sir” or “Ma’am” and end with it as well. Example would be “Sir, may I be excused to attend personal needs, Sir?” Any failure to express this properly usually ends in the request being ignored and the same request cannot be repeated. You’ll only make that mistake once when asking to go to the bathroom.Only when the trainer “wants” you to speak should you verbalize. If you feel you need to express a concern, explanation, or ask questions then you must ask permission to speak freely. “Sir, I have a question, Sir. May I speak freely, Sir?” A gesture or facial expression should have been given to you in order to open this path of communication. In my training it was a puzzled look and a slight tilt of my head. This made my trainer aware that I needed to communicate something or was unsure of what to do next. A good trainer/dominant will provide and recognize such signals from their charge and give permission for them to speak. They will also provide a time for open discussion where the submissive is given an opportunity to express freely any concerns they might have. For me, this period came at the end of the day when we would discuss any problems or successes.

hypnovoyeur
hypnovoyeur:

sadisticgames:

"Fetch the box."
How could such simple words cause such a reaction. 
With three words, her legs have gone weak, her breath has quickened, and her cunt is starting to drip with fear and anticipation. 
Every little sub should have such a box, hidden away, ready to be fetched then their partner requires it. 
Would you like to have a box of your own? Tucked away under your bed perhaps? As you sit across the room, you can’t help but let your gaze linger on it…
Any shoe box will do. Of course, you can make it special, you can paint it, add decor if you wish. This is your box, after all. 
But what to put inside it? What is waiting for her, to make her react so?
This will vary from couple to couple, from sub to sub, but here is a simple and inexpensive list that anyone should be able to acquire with a cheap trip to the dollar store. 








OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS IDEA.

hypnovoyeur:

sadisticgames:

"Fetch the box."

How could such simple words cause such a reaction. 

With three words, her legs have gone weak, her breath has quickened, and her cunt is starting to drip with fear and anticipation. 

Every little sub should have such a box, hidden away, ready to be fetched then their partner requires it. 

Would you like to have a box of your own? Tucked away under your bed perhaps? As you sit across the room, you can’t help but let your gaze linger on it…

Any shoe box will do. Of course, you can make it special, you can paint it, add decor if you wish. This is your box, after all. 

But what to put inside it? What is waiting for her, to make her react so?

This will vary from couple to couple, from sub to sub, but here is a simple and inexpensive list that anyone should be able to acquire with a cheap trip to the dollar store. 

OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS IDEA.

ittybitty-pixiestick

ddlgdoodles:

queensofthewild:

bdsmgeek:

ddlgdoodles:

Impact play is a common kink that’s practiced in D/s dynamics and S&M. It can be a form of punishment, teasing, and funishment. Spanking is the most well-known form of impact play either with hands and brushes. However, other objects can be used depending on the amount of pain or bruising that wants to be inflicted.

Short range vs Long Range:

Short range objects include hand, brush, ruler, belt, paddle, or anything that requires you to stand fairly close to the spankee.

Long range objects include canes, crops, whips, cat o nine tails, and floggers.

Safety:

  • Practice before engaging in impact play if you’re using long range or hard equipment.
  • Always have your partner’s consent and a safe word. If you don’t have a safe word, use these colors:
    red = stop
    yellow = slow down or pause
    green = resume the scene
  • If the spankee is gagged or cannot speak, use a hand signal as safe words.
  • If you’re using a whip, practice with it before using it on someone. Aiming isn’t as easy as it looks and you could accidentally injure your sub/bottom.
    Also keep in mind that whips can break skin!
  • Never hit the following areas:
    Mid back - Your kidneys are located here
    Tailbone
    Spine
    Hips
  • These areas can be hit but with caution:
    Face (only with your hand)
    Crotch/genitalia
    Inner thighs
    Breasts/chest
  • If you spank someone with a cane or whip and the spankee bleeds, clean your equipment before using it on someone else.

A good thing to remember is that fatty areas work well with harder spankings and objects, while boney areas should not be hit with hard objects (like brushes and paddles) and should be hit moderately and lightly.

Don’t be afraid to attend dungeons and observe how others use their toys and ask questions.

Aftercare:

Aftercare is extremely important. Not only could you have bruises and welts to soothe but you have to treat subdrop also. If you’re not familiar with subdrop or subspace, refer to this post or read on Google.

Having an aftercare kit is a good start. It should include an icepack, wet cloths, bandaids, a blanket, water and Gatorade, pain relievers, and energy food.

Do not leave your sub or bottom alone after a scene. Hold them, hug them, kiss them, cuddle them or anything that lets you know that you love them and soothes them.

If you’re shaking, feeling lightheaded, panicking, or hyperventilating you should lie down and relax. I recommend taking deep breaths where you breathe in from your nose, hold it in, and then exhale until the next breath comes naturally. This is something that I was taught to do for panic attacks. This should help the tremors (shaking) stop, help you calm down, and bring your heart beat and breathing back to normal.

Dawww at these tutorials they are fantastic.

This is the most adorable thing ever *squee* I feel like I need a gif tutorial to dragon tongues though.

That would be a lot of fun to do but I don’t know how to make smooth animations. :(

sotightandshiny

Anonymous asked:

Can you share some of your more creative punishments?

sotightandshiny answered:

When I am looking to correct problematic behavior, creativity is not what I’m aiming for. I like to make the punishment simple, to the point and befitting the crime. This isn’t fun-ishment, this is about teaching someone a lesson on how to behave the way I want them to. Often the punishment could be a lecture or being made to write an essay.

For example a typical punishment - If I tell a girl to arrive at my house clean shaven and she shows up with a hairy bush, I’ll take the time to wax the misbehaving subs offending area. Trust me, it’s not fun.

Perhaps I might give them some corner time with their nose pressing a penny against the wall, for a given amount of time, to think about their infraction. If they let the penny fall, the timer starts again.

Being made to hold books in outstretched arms and then being caned or flogged, while counting off the strokes and repeating a line regarding their misbehavior. If they drop a book, we start again.

Now when we’re just talking about creative acts of sadism for its own sake, I particularly enjoy predicament bondage situations. Some of my favorites:

  • Wiring a sub up with an e-stim, attached to a microphone. When the sub is beaten, it’s in her best interest to keep quiet or get shocked.
  • Placing a violet wand between a subs thighs and then striking her, forcing her to keep her thighs spread, lest she gets zapped.
  • Breath play with hood and rebreather hoses attached to a bottle of urine. Or simply attach a dildo to the hose and stuff it into an orifice, forcing them to use themselves as a rebreather. 
  • Extreme hogties that test the subs endurance and breath control.

Aside from that, I just love good old fashioned beatings, corporal punishment and tight, painful bondage. Throw in some degradation and dehumanization and I’d say we’ve had a fun night.

sotightandshiny:

mbstard:

uselessgirlrage:

mbstard:

littlebrokenbarbiedoll:

sotightandshiny:

imperfectpet:

I don’t like being punished…

I can take any torment my owners want to give, but I can’t stand being punished.

It’s irrelevant what the punishment is, just the fact that I’ve done something to deserve punishment is devastating

The worst punishment I have ever received was when Mistress just whispered “Bad girl…” and walked away from me…

You get it - the difference between punishment and simple torment. I like to make that clear because there is a big difference.

I can punish without lifting a finger. All it takes is a withering stare that will cut you to the bone. If I have my hooks in you, the sheer weight of my disappointment alone should be enough to deter misbehavior. 

There’s is nothing worse than knowing you’re disappointed with me. You said something before which hit me really hard and would was worse than any punishment.

Thank you. Someone actually drawing a distinction between “punishment” and “sadism”. I do get tired of the “Ooooo - I’ve been bad - do I get a spanking?”.

No. If you’ve been “bad”, I will make you understand that you have disappointed me. Just sitting on your own, in silence, in another room, for example. No, it isn’t “fun”.

And if you want a spanking (or anything else), ask nicely, properly, politely - and we’ll see if that sparks the relevant interest in me. The risk is, it may spark an entirely different interest, depending on my mood. But life is full of risks not taken :)

I’ve been this way since childhood — the worst punishment is what I inflict on myself, knowing that I’ve disappointed the person I care about and want to please, knowing I’ve failed somehow.

The absolute worst punishment for me is to be banished from my Man’s presence for any length of time. To sit alone and cry and think about how I’ve disappointed Him. It also forces me to think about how I can do better in the future.

BINGO. Fucking bingo. You CARE enough that it actually matters. It isn’t just play. You actually want (need) someone you can care about (and cares for/cherishes you) - to the point of absolute devotion. At least, that’s what I need in a sub. You want to give of yourself, absolutely everything you can ever possibly think of to give. One of the big challenges is actually finding someone that can accept that.

Ok, admission: now I’m ranting about what I want/expect in a sub!

It has to matter. If not, we’re just acting in our own personal porn. That’s all well and good, but there needs to be some feeling of purpose and duty behind it, for me to get really excited about dominating someone. It takes time and patience and both parts, but I find it so incredibly rewarding. It’s an art form to me and I am always practicing. I put a lot of work into what we do and I want her to appreciate that and reciprocate with the behavior that I prescribe. When I have to punish, I want them to realize it’s not fun for me either, but I do it because I care enough to correct the problem.

lilmissgin
bdsmafterthoughts:

fortheloveofasub:

First Things First - A BDSM Checklist
Recently I have received a series of private messages and asks from submissives outlining circumstances in which they are uncomfortable with, or in some cases downright frightened by something their Dominant has done or asked of them. The specific circumstances are not important but in all cases they are beyond the comfort zone of the submissive and at times have lead to some most unfortunate outcomes. These misfortunes range from physical harm to emotional anguish to damage of physical property. In nearly every case there is wreckage of some kind left behind and were it not for some good fortune and providence the circumstances and outcomes could have been far worse.
Are these unfortunate, uncomfortable and sometimes tragic instances simply a matter of bad Doms behaving badly? Sometimes they most certainly are. Other times they are a matter of ignorance and miscommunication. Still others result from a mismatch between the Dominant and their desires and the submissive and their comfort zones and desires. Sometimes these instances are the product of what I would consider to be an abusive or manipulative person thinking themselves to be a Dominant paired with a hungry and craving submissive with little or no knowledge or understanding of what constitutes a healthy D/s relationship. In any event, the outcomes can be tragic and it is painful and difficult to stand by and watch objectively and without judgement.
One of the most common threads I hear in the description of these unfortunate circumstances might go as follows: “I am a submissive and am collared by my Dom. We have been together for a few months and I am deeply in love with him. But recently he did [insert uncomfortable or unsafe act] and told me to do [insert additional uncomfortable or unacceptable act] and it resulted in [insert unfortunate and unnecessary disastrous outcome]. I don’t know how to feel about this and I know that my Dom is always right and that I should be grateful for his guidance, but this just does not feel good. Should I be mad? Am I allowed to be mad? Should he take some responsibility for the outcome? How can I talk to my Dom about this? When I try he gets angry and tells me that I am to do as I am told or can find another Dom.”
Sound familiar? If it does, you should be concerned. Very. There are so many alarm bells in that short description it is difficult to know where to begin and yet I hear similar tales over and over again.
Let’s begin with the description of the relationship itself; a submissive that has been with their Dom for a few months and is collared. Right away this tells me that neither the Dom nor the submissive have much experience in the BDSM lifestyle and are shooting from the hip. As I have said in my post on collars and collaring, having someone physically strap a collar around your neck does not make them a Dom and you a submissive. The process that leads to a permanent collar and the powerful relationship it embodies is a long, difficult and involved one. It takes years, not weeks or months.
Second, a Dom is not omnipotent and not always right. They have a deep responsibility to communicate openly and effectively with their submissive and listen and weigh concerns carefully. Even in a 24/7 TPE where all authority is ceded to the Master, there must be an effective means of raising issues and concerns and addressing them. “I am the Dom and you do whatever I say” is not the way this works and is a sign of a controlling and domineering person and not a competent and caring Dominant. A Dominant is granted tremendous power by a submissive but with it comes equally tremendous responsibility. You don’t get the power for nothing.
One of the first things I ask of the submissive writing me about these circumstances is whether the unacceptable action or demand on the part of their Dominant was within the scope of what had been previously agreed to under a pre-scene or BDSM questionnaire and subsequent agreement. Was the action or circumstance within the hard limits established within the relationship? Were your known boundaries exceeded or broken? The answer I almost universally receive is as shocking as it is tragic and goes something like this: “I am collared by my Dom and he is training me now. We have not gotten to the point where we have discussed hard limits or developed any agreement but I am sure we will in time.”
STOP! HOLD THE PHONE!!! CEASE AND DISIST!!!!!
You mean to tell me that you are putting your safety and life in someone else’s hands, a person who apparently has little or no experience in the BDSM lifestyle, and you have not examined or discussed your interests, desires, fears, concerns, and established hard limits? You are just blindly expecting that this “Dom” will always do the right thing as you see it and will never exceed your boundaries when none have been set? You are going to let someone do whatever they want to you (apparently out of their own self-interest) in the name of “training” and then sort it all out later? Does this even make sense?
Lets then look at what happens under the scenario above when the submissive goes back to this “Dom” and tries to communicate their concerns about what has happened. They are shut down. Worse, and perhaps possibly most tragically, their worst fear as a submissive is played upon and they are threatened with rejection and abandonment. This is not dominance, it is manipulation. And it is tragic.
There is so much wrong in this overall scenario it is difficult to cover it in a short blog entry. So I am going to focus on one thing that might help prevent some of these events from happening and might weed out some of the most ignorant or self-serving of would be Doms; the BDSM Checklist.
The BDSM Checklist
Before anyone, anywhere, engages in any form of power exchange or BDSM activity, a thorough BDSM checklist should be completed by both parties and the contents openly and honestly exchanged and discussed with one another. It is only through this exercise that both the potential Dominant and submissive can understand where each other’s desires, fears, demands, and limits are. It is here where mutual kinks will emerge and more importantly where significant mismatches may become apparent between the desires and demands of one and the fears and limits of the other. From these mismatches emerge the most important of boundaries and hard limits.
For example, one serious mismatch of expectations where no limits had been discussed and the result was near tragedy involved a “Dom” who demanded that his submissive go unaccompanied to a bar, find a random male, and sleep with them. This was done as a “punishment” for some unspecified offense because “slapping your ass does not seem to be doing the job.” The submissive dutifully followed through despite the fact that she was absolutely opposed to sleeping with someone else, especially a random person entirely unknown to her and unsupervised or protected by her Dom. Predictably the outcome was not good. When she attempted to discuss the matter with her “Dom” he shut her down and took no responsibility for the outcome.
There is much that is wrong with this scenario from a safety, common sense, and responsibility standpoint. But for the purposes of this discussion I want to focus on the fact that the notion of introducing others into the D/s relationship in question, let alone random strangers, had never been discussed let alone agreed to. Indeed, there had never been an effort made to examine any likes, dislikes and limits between the Dom and submissive despite the fact that they had been together for months and engaging in obviously significant power exchange activities in the name of “training.” Folks, this kind of behavior is wrong, it is dangerous and will end in broken hearts, damaged psyches, and possibly physical harm or death.
A BDSM checklist is crucial to understanding the boundaries of the playground a Dominant and submissive intend to romp in. Without it they are quickly going to find themselves playing out in the street in the middle of traffic. They will get run over eventually. In any potential D/s relationship, once an interest between two people is established one of the very first things they need to do is complete a BDSM checklist and walk through it item-by-item, honestly and openly comparing outcomes with one another. The purpose is to come to an understanding of the things each person likes/loves, the things they have never done before, where they might like to explore more, things that should be avoided, triggers that should be considered and avoided, limits that need to be established, and practical matters like STDs, birth control, involvement of others, what will be done in public versus private, personal security and anonymity, safe words, considerations for family and childrearing necessities, and a host of other matters. These things MUST be identified, discussed and agreed to BEFORE ever exchanging the first iota of power or playing the first mild scene together.
As a Dominant I would never consider “stepping into the ring” with a submissive for even a time-delimited play session, let alone a long-term relationship without having undertaken this exercise. It is just about the first thing I do with a submissive who has expressed interest in giving herself to me. This is not only for her protection but for my own peace of mind and ability to be effective. If I do not know what turns a submissive on, what she is curious about but too shy to try, what scares her, what life traumas might lead to an in-scene trigger, and what hard limits I need to avoid, I am stabbing blindly in the dark and hoping for the best. My chances of success as a Dominant are slim. After all, the greatest role a Dominant plays is in exploring the mind of a submissive, for it is there that her submission stems. If I have no insight whatsoever into how that mind thinks, I have no tools with which to work. I literally have both hands tied behind my back.
Every competent and respectable Dominant and Master I have met uses some form of process to examine these important facets of their submissive and share their own perspectives as well to arrive at a mutual understanding and trust as the basis of their relationship. I am not sure how a consensual and informed BDSM relationship can exist in the absence of such an undertaking.
There are many sources of good BDSM checklists both in print and online. One of the most readily accessible and comprehensive is the checklist contained in the book “Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns” by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon. Another is contained in the recently published book “BDSM - The Naked Truth” by Dr. Charley Ferrer. I personally use one that I have adapted and expanded based on the Screw The Roses checklist. These lists can be long or short, and many pre-scene questionnaires used in lifestyle clubs and the like are fairly brief but then it is assumed that experienced players will be involved so they tend to only cover hard limits. This is not enough for a relationship. I recommend that for less experienced devotees and those desiring to engage in a D/s relationship that the more extensive the questionnaire the better. There is no way a newcomer can possibly anticipate everything that should be considered on their own and this is where some of the more extensive checklists become invaluable in getting one to think about and contemplate things that might never have occurred to them before.
Use these checklists, think hard about the issues they raise and how you feel about them. Check your egos at the door and take the time to understand your likes and limits and those of your partner. It is important to point out that limits are not just things you won’t do, but also things you have no experience in. As a Dominant, if you have no training or experience in various risky activities, do not use you submissive as a guinea pig. Seek guidance from experienced devotees and practitioners. Investing the time, care and energy in this simple but crucial step will greatly enhance the likelihood of a successful and pleasing D/s partnership and reduce the possibility of misunderstanding, pain and hurt. And frankly, anyone claiming to be a Dom who does not feel the need to take these important steps should be viewed with some additional scrutiny and concern. If they are not willing or even aware of the need to communicate at the outset, it is unlikely they will communicate openly and fairly when the chips are down and there is pain and suffering all around. Above all, do not place your safety and life in the hands of someone who has no idea of your needs, desires and limits and does not display the care to find out.
Be careful, be diligent, communicate, set boundaries and live by them.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown

What excellent advice. Read, understand and follow both Doms and subs.

bdsmafterthoughts:

fortheloveofasub:

First Things First - A BDSM Checklist

Recently I have received a series of private messages and asks from submissives outlining circumstances in which they are uncomfortable with, or in some cases downright frightened by something their Dominant has done or asked of them. The specific circumstances are not important but in all cases they are beyond the comfort zone of the submissive and at times have lead to some most unfortunate outcomes. These misfortunes range from physical harm to emotional anguish to damage of physical property. In nearly every case there is wreckage of some kind left behind and were it not for some good fortune and providence the circumstances and outcomes could have been far worse.

Are these unfortunate, uncomfortable and sometimes tragic instances simply a matter of bad Doms behaving badly? Sometimes they most certainly are. Other times they are a matter of ignorance and miscommunication. Still others result from a mismatch between the Dominant and their desires and the submissive and their comfort zones and desires. Sometimes these instances are the product of what I would consider to be an abusive or manipulative person thinking themselves to be a Dominant paired with a hungry and craving submissive with little or no knowledge or understanding of what constitutes a healthy D/s relationship. In any event, the outcomes can be tragic and it is painful and difficult to stand by and watch objectively and without judgement.

One of the most common threads I hear in the description of these unfortunate circumstances might go as follows: “I am a submissive and am collared by my Dom. We have been together for a few months and I am deeply in love with him. But recently he did [insert uncomfortable or unsafe act] and told me to do [insert additional uncomfortable or unacceptable act] and it resulted in [insert unfortunate and unnecessary disastrous outcome]. I don’t know how to feel about this and I know that my Dom is always right and that I should be grateful for his guidance, but this just does not feel good. Should I be mad? Am I allowed to be mad? Should he take some responsibility for the outcome? How can I talk to my Dom about this? When I try he gets angry and tells me that I am to do as I am told or can find another Dom.”

Sound familiar? If it does, you should be concerned. Very. There are so many alarm bells in that short description it is difficult to know where to begin and yet I hear similar tales over and over again.

Let’s begin with the description of the relationship itself; a submissive that has been with their Dom for a few months and is collared. Right away this tells me that neither the Dom nor the submissive have much experience in the BDSM lifestyle and are shooting from the hip. As I have said in my post on collars and collaring, having someone physically strap a collar around your neck does not make them a Dom and you a submissive. The process that leads to a permanent collar and the powerful relationship it embodies is a long, difficult and involved one. It takes years, not weeks or months.

Second, a Dom is not omnipotent and not always right. They have a deep responsibility to communicate openly and effectively with their submissive and listen and weigh concerns carefully. Even in a 24/7 TPE where all authority is ceded to the Master, there must be an effective means of raising issues and concerns and addressing them. “I am the Dom and you do whatever I say” is not the way this works and is a sign of a controlling and domineering person and not a competent and caring Dominant. A Dominant is granted tremendous power by a submissive but with it comes equally tremendous responsibility. You don’t get the power for nothing.

One of the first things I ask of the submissive writing me about these circumstances is whether the unacceptable action or demand on the part of their Dominant was within the scope of what had been previously agreed to under a pre-scene or BDSM questionnaire and subsequent agreement. Was the action or circumstance within the hard limits established within the relationship? Were your known boundaries exceeded or broken? The answer I almost universally receive is as shocking as it is tragic and goes something like this: “I am collared by my Dom and he is training me now. We have not gotten to the point where we have discussed hard limits or developed any agreement but I am sure we will in time.”

STOP! HOLD THE PHONE!!! CEASE AND DISIST!!!!!

You mean to tell me that you are putting your safety and life in someone else’s hands, a person who apparently has little or no experience in the BDSM lifestyle, and you have not examined or discussed your interests, desires, fears, concerns, and established hard limits? You are just blindly expecting that this “Dom” will always do the right thing as you see it and will never exceed your boundaries when none have been set? You are going to let someone do whatever they want to you (apparently out of their own self-interest) in the name of “training” and then sort it all out later? Does this even make sense?

Lets then look at what happens under the scenario above when the submissive goes back to this “Dom” and tries to communicate their concerns about what has happened. They are shut down. Worse, and perhaps possibly most tragically, their worst fear as a submissive is played upon and they are threatened with rejection and abandonment. This is not dominance, it is manipulation. And it is tragic.

There is so much wrong in this overall scenario it is difficult to cover it in a short blog entry. So I am going to focus on one thing that might help prevent some of these events from happening and might weed out some of the most ignorant or self-serving of would be Doms; the BDSM Checklist.

The BDSM Checklist

Before anyone, anywhere, engages in any form of power exchange or BDSM activity, a thorough BDSM checklist should be completed by both parties and the contents openly and honestly exchanged and discussed with one another. It is only through this exercise that both the potential Dominant and submissive can understand where each other’s desires, fears, demands, and limits are. It is here where mutual kinks will emerge and more importantly where significant mismatches may become apparent between the desires and demands of one and the fears and limits of the other. From these mismatches emerge the most important of boundaries and hard limits.

For example, one serious mismatch of expectations where no limits had been discussed and the result was near tragedy involved a “Dom” who demanded that his submissive go unaccompanied to a bar, find a random male, and sleep with them. This was done as a “punishment” for some unspecified offense because “slapping your ass does not seem to be doing the job.” The submissive dutifully followed through despite the fact that she was absolutely opposed to sleeping with someone else, especially a random person entirely unknown to her and unsupervised or protected by her Dom. Predictably the outcome was not good. When she attempted to discuss the matter with her “Dom” he shut her down and took no responsibility for the outcome.

There is much that is wrong with this scenario from a safety, common sense, and responsibility standpoint. But for the purposes of this discussion I want to focus on the fact that the notion of introducing others into the D/s relationship in question, let alone random strangers, had never been discussed let alone agreed to. Indeed, there had never been an effort made to examine any likes, dislikes and limits between the Dom and submissive despite the fact that they had been together for months and engaging in obviously significant power exchange activities in the name of “training.” Folks, this kind of behavior is wrong, it is dangerous and will end in broken hearts, damaged psyches, and possibly physical harm or death.

A BDSM checklist is crucial to understanding the boundaries of the playground a Dominant and submissive intend to romp in. Without it they are quickly going to find themselves playing out in the street in the middle of traffic. They will get run over eventually. In any potential D/s relationship, once an interest between two people is established one of the very first things they need to do is complete a BDSM checklist and walk through it item-by-item, honestly and openly comparing outcomes with one another. The purpose is to come to an understanding of the things each person likes/loves, the things they have never done before, where they might like to explore more, things that should be avoided, triggers that should be considered and avoided, limits that need to be established, and practical matters like STDs, birth control, involvement of others, what will be done in public versus private, personal security and anonymity, safe words, considerations for family and childrearing necessities, and a host of other matters. These things MUST be identified, discussed and agreed to BEFORE ever exchanging the first iota of power or playing the first mild scene together.

As a Dominant I would never consider “stepping into the ring” with a submissive for even a time-delimited play session, let alone a long-term relationship without having undertaken this exercise. It is just about the first thing I do with a submissive who has expressed interest in giving herself to me. This is not only for her protection but for my own peace of mind and ability to be effective. If I do not know what turns a submissive on, what she is curious about but too shy to try, what scares her, what life traumas might lead to an in-scene trigger, and what hard limits I need to avoid, I am stabbing blindly in the dark and hoping for the best. My chances of success as a Dominant are slim. After all, the greatest role a Dominant plays is in exploring the mind of a submissive, for it is there that her submission stems. If I have no insight whatsoever into how that mind thinks, I have no tools with which to work. I literally have both hands tied behind my back.

Every competent and respectable Dominant and Master I have met uses some form of process to examine these important facets of their submissive and share their own perspectives as well to arrive at a mutual understanding and trust as the basis of their relationship. I am not sure how a consensual and informed BDSM relationship can exist in the absence of such an undertaking.

There are many sources of good BDSM checklists both in print and online. One of the most readily accessible and comprehensive is the checklist contained in the book “Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns” by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon. Another is contained in the recently published book “BDSM - The Naked Truth” by Dr. Charley Ferrer. I personally use one that I have adapted and expanded based on the Screw The Roses checklist. These lists can be long or short, and many pre-scene questionnaires used in lifestyle clubs and the like are fairly brief but then it is assumed that experienced players will be involved so they tend to only cover hard limits. This is not enough for a relationship. I recommend that for less experienced devotees and those desiring to engage in a D/s relationship that the more extensive the questionnaire the better. There is no way a newcomer can possibly anticipate everything that should be considered on their own and this is where some of the more extensive checklists become invaluable in getting one to think about and contemplate things that might never have occurred to them before.

Use these checklists, think hard about the issues they raise and how you feel about them. Check your egos at the door and take the time to understand your likes and limits and those of your partner. It is important to point out that limits are not just things you won’t do, but also things you have no experience in. As a Dominant, if you have no training or experience in various risky activities, do not use you submissive as a guinea pig. Seek guidance from experienced devotees and practitioners. Investing the time, care and energy in this simple but crucial step will greatly enhance the likelihood of a successful and pleasing D/s partnership and reduce the possibility of misunderstanding, pain and hurt. And frankly, anyone claiming to be a Dom who does not feel the need to take these important steps should be viewed with some additional scrutiny and concern. If they are not willing or even aware of the need to communicate at the outset, it is unlikely they will communicate openly and fairly when the chips are down and there is pain and suffering all around. Above all, do not place your safety and life in the hands of someone who has no idea of your needs, desires and limits and does not display the care to find out.

Be careful, be diligent, communicate, set boundaries and live by them.

Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013

Image Credit Unknown

What excellent advice. Read, understand and follow both Doms and subs.

feministfuckdolltrainer
mindofdaddy:

Edge.
Edge for Me.  Edge any chance you get.  Even in public.  Especially in public.  
Never, NEVER cum without permission.  But you MUST touch.  You MUST edge.
Edge until touching yourself becomes automatic… unconscious… continuous… until you don’t even realize you are mindlessly stroking yourself in public, keeping yourself wet and ready for Me.
Edge while driving.  Edge while shopping.  Edge while dining.  Edge while waiting at the bus stop.  Edge while waiting in lines.  Edge when using the bathroom.  
Edge while sitting in the library studying.  Except we both know you aren’t really studying, are you, pet?  
Good girls learn to touch themselves unconsciously.  Obediently.  Addictedly.  That’s not a word, but your pretty little empty head doesn’t know that, and doesn’t care. 
Addict yourself to constant arousal, constant wetness, constant need, and constant availability.  
That’s it.  Edge for Me.
Good girl.

mindofdaddy:

Edge.

Edge for Me.  Edge any chance you get.  Even in public.  Especially in public.  

Never, NEVER cum without permission.  But you MUST touch.  You MUST edge.

Edge until touching yourself becomes automatic… unconscious… continuous… until you don’t even realize you are mindlessly stroking yourself in public, keeping yourself wet and ready for Me.

Edge while driving.  Edge while shopping.  Edge while dining.  Edge while waiting at the bus stop.  Edge while waiting in lines.  Edge when using the bathroom.  

Edge while sitting in the library studying.  Except we both know you aren’t really studying, are you, pet?  

Good girls learn to touch themselves unconsciously.  Obediently.  Addictedly.  That’s not a word, but your pretty little empty head doesn’t know that, and doesn’t care. 

Addict yourself to constant arousal, constant wetness, constant need, and constant availability.  

That’s it.  Edge for Me.

Good girl.

dumbbigtittedslut

Anonymous asked:

Love your blog and the mastery over cunt psychology you display. Where did you get your training?

hardcore-puppets answered:

I didn’t get any training, specifically. There’s just a lot of stuff that applies throughout life that can be hijacked.

Look at management books, principals in soft positional management, hostage negotiation, Stockholm syndrome & neurolinguistics (case studies, not popsci) knowing a lot about technical writing helps; you’re aiming to phrase things in order to remove ambiguity and doubt and present only a single possible outcome: its not that you expect your submissive to weasel out of things you’ve asked for, it’s that you don’t want an interpretation layer in what you’re asking them, no matter how small. 

Think of it like the difference between ordering a burger the way you want it, and ordering it in the way the Burger-place-worker has to punch it into the till. When you learn how to do it the latter way, there’s a palpable relief on the part of the worker, who no longer has to translate what you want into what they have to do.

Once you’ve established simple compliance, Its less about demanding things and more about presenting absolute clarity and maneuvering the subconscious. Creating simple puzzles that the submissive can solve and feel relief and a sense of achievement for completing makes unpacking their resistance a game that they like to win.

Habituate your property to feel a sense of relief and happiness when they perceive and meet your needs without being asked. I typically go very heavy on positive verbal and mental reinforcement and light on physical rewards. Punishment is reserved for instances of insubordination rather than incomplete or inadequate service : to my mind, it’s my failing if they’re not habitually giving me 100%

By going light on physical reward you remove positive experiences from the arrangement : instead of encouraging contact materialism, you encourage service. More I do this because good girls do it and I am a good girl and I like being a good girl and much less if I do this then he’ll let me go to the concert at the weekend. It allows me to keep the small gestures romantic rather than part of bargaining.

In the end, I prefer implicit rather than explicit power structures. My girls defer to me because that’s how I’ve taught them to prefer things. They don’t need to remind themselves of their role, which makes it much easier to maintain mine by creating a space for me to act within. 

Notes

Somewhere out there, a dude will read this and go “Lame. I dont bargain, I get what I want” and frankly the only thing I have to say to these people is that they have absolutely no idea what they are doing, in the most literal sense of the phrase. “Do this or I hit you” “Do this or I leave” and “Do this because I say so” are all forms of bargaining. They’re also clumsy, crude and childish. We can do better.

dumbbigtittedslut:

Wonderful, beautiful, brilliant advice. This is a must read for doms and subs alike.